Three and a half years can really change a person, doesn't it?....
In my case I went from mourning a 6.5 year relationship only to finally get my barings when my Mother fell ill and I watched her slowly die for a year and half, to battling with villains and paperwork she left behind for me; her supergirl once again coming to save her even from the grave. Still waiting for the verdict on some things, but for now it all has to take a back seat, and so I have had to tell everyone.
I need a reboot. And two months left of me being Lucky 33 I have learned something from this number I had looked forward to being the moment I turned 30, and that is this: the old phrase that what does not kills you makes you stronger rings ever true. But to ensure I do not end up destroying myself and all I worked so hard and sacrificed for I have to start with the basics in my rebooting, and that is my health and emotional state.
Someone took pictures of me recently and I nearly cried from the sight of me. My once energetic glowing self was no where found in the shots and all I saw was an exhausted dark eyed grayish-yellow-like being... had I become a Zombie? I knew I had to draw the line in the sand and tell everyone to solve their own problems and to give me space... There was something liberating and yet hard to tell everyone that unless there was a real emergency I am no good to anyone at the moment and I needed ME time. Luckily being a lonewolf in general and my friends are few (and as busy as I) as well as family being far away I am blessed to be left alone quite easily.
Only a mere week later did a new picture of me get taken. I asked to see it. I couldn't believe the difference already, and all from ensuring I watch my nutrient levels and adding strength training to my day and some extra steps in my days. This for me is the very basics and that's where I am focused right now, at least for another week.
I already eat a Vegan-way of life, and do lots of walking and hiking. I am also a notorious glutton for not caring for calorie and fat content, and nor did this scare and stress in my life trigger me to watch fat-calorie b.s. Instead it has been more of a how much Vitamin A, riboflavin, magnesium, vitamin C, etc type of deal; all with food, I am not a pill-vitamin popping individual because I love chewing and slurping more.
I realized most of my energy in my walks were focused on going somewhere to take care of business that plagued I and my family's lives. I usually have always been a walker for fun and clear my head or to seek adventures. However, two years it was either doing huge supply runs for my Mother or others, or running around to get things done such as faxing, filing, copying, mailing, dropping off, going to meetings or appointments; urgent and must be done immediately kind of stuff. I shouldn't negate the importance of all those things, but at this stage of the game where I am down trodden and darkly cynical of the world I can't help it.
As I am improving day-by-day and even hour-by-hour I am able to return more to my hobbies and see people more often if I wanted. I won't lie, alone time has made such a difference. I can really take as much time to myself as possible, even being attentive to my skin... yes, I said my skin.
I now am more attentive to my skin like I used to be a long while back. I still have always used the handmade environmentally conscientious products that I have for the past 7 years (even have gotten 5 people hooked on them too SCORE), I just haven't been using the lotions, body butters, aloe gels, etc as much as I should; call it major neglect, so thank goodness I am not a huge makeup user because that has almost been non-existent anyway. Being so neglectful has caused me to take time everyday twice a day to lovingly take care of my skin to help revive itself. Something so simple has even made a difference.
In all this foodie, extra exercising and aiding my skin business has put more bounce back in me and I am more excited about my old hobbies and adventures again.
I want to be well again, and right now, who wouldn't? But, I remind myself to be gentle, well, even kind to myself. Even maintain the fortitude to tell my loved ones to leave me be to breathe... this is gonna take some time.
No rushing! No pushing! No guilt-riding! No high expectations! And those NO's are not so much toward others as it is towards myself. My biggest, pushiest critic.
~Ange
Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
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