Here is a summary of what has been happening since I turned thirty, and a little bit more of a background on myself to start things off.
I grew up in rural areas of Canada; mainly on our family's farm and in small towns.
I am the oldest of three girls, with a large age gap between my sisters and I. We share the same parents who were told very early on in their married lives that due to our Mom's health she would be unable to have children. So, I was a surprise, my first sister was a surprise as well, and our youngest sister was the only one our parents planned for and succeeded in conceiving the first try. Which to this very day humours the youngest of our trio because she refers to us as follows:
Me: Big surprise!!!
Middle child: Woah! Lucky again!!!
Her: What were they thinking? You planned me?
I take it as a huge sign from the Big Guy in the universe that He had other plans for our parents, despite that the doctors could show a medical history that could prove to my Mom and Dad that their three girls shouldn't even exist! Alas, we do!
As of present, I am single, and have been for two and a half years and counting.
I have only dated, been in a relationship, and expressed my love in all ways possible to ONE person, ever. During the best of times in our relationship it was amazing; I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Then when things were at the opposite end, it was just too sad and hurtful. I should clarify that is was not so bad that it was absolutely toxic, nor was there ever a need for authorities to be involved or anything like that. But there were things that arose that made it difficult for us to be together anymore. I had always thought if it ended it wouldn't be me who would want it to end. But it was.
Furthermore I was surprised at how quickly I was over him. I never thought I would be that type of person whose love would dissipate so fast after a breakup, especially after being together for a long time. In fact, I used to look down upon others who were able to get over someone they had been with so quickly. I think I understand a little more clearly now as to why that is the case for some of us. However, I can only share from my point of view, due to my own experience.
I gave it my all. I did everything I felt I could possibly do to fix the bad that would rear its ugly head throughout the relationship. It was the only reason, in the end, I was able to walk away from the one I used to love with all my being, and quickly let go of that love.
I think it has only been recently that I am actually feeling any sort of desire to be open to the possibility of being with someone again. I think it has been due to a mix of: the unknown of the dating realm; the many crisis' my loved ones and I have faced in the past few years; and just enjoying life in the good times as much as I can (living in the moment). Now much of this will be rapidly changing due to a couple of major life-changing decisions I have made recently.
One is that in less than a month I will be leaving a job that I have been dedicated to for the past several years. I decided I needed to leave due to being burnt out, and to escape a working atmosphere that has become very foreign to me, and quite negative. It now seems to be a place that is in a perpetual state of crisis and drama. Second, is taking a lengthier vacation than I normally would, to spend time with my family, AND, reassess my life and where I go from here.
This can be summed up in three words since I made this decision:
Terrifying
Exciting
Relaxing
I typically do not do well without work, and spending long periods of time with family. Nor do I do well far from the life I have carved out for myself in the city. This all can be difficult for me.
However, I have felt my instincts and my spirit telling me for some time now that this is what I need to do. Otherwise the state of the workplace on top of personal crisis' with my loved ones is going to chip at my energetic, optimistic, happy-go-lucky self until I am so dark and cynical that I will be called an Ice Queen instead. This could lead to no one wanting to be around me; not even my loved ones.
Plus, my family and friends have been through so much. I can see myself getting into a situation where I have become so hopped up on my own issues that I may lose touch on what is happening with those I love.
Since making the decision I have felt the great weight lift; and my heart, mind, and soul all sync up and relax into a perfect balance. Even when I have moments of questioning, "What have I done?" I hear that still, quiet, strong voice in my head saying, "whatever will be will be." Either I am really crazy, or this was really meant to happen. Only time will tell.
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
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