Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Not Exactly Putting Myself Out There - June 28, 2017

This is rather comical, I laugh at myself on this subject.

A walk I have taken has done NOTHING to stop the silly madness that plagues my mind, my emotions.  It really is a selfish, whine fest. It is regarding my emotions.

I really feel as if I could start looking for a partner, a man to share my life with. I know how I want to go about it, and it's by doing nothing really.  I kid you not, this is how I roll, sad isn't it? I do the, "Oh! It will happen someday!" But I don't do anything, because I don't want to force it. I remain hopeful, while living life normally and just thinking it will occur when the time is right.  Really my life is going extremely well, very normal and peaceful so I feel ready for love again, and ready myself by doing nothing at all.

Meanwhile I am changing careers, even going back to school in the fall, checked off some places I finally travelled to on my bucket list, seeing many loved ones along the way.  There has been a great deepening of my spirituality, and a great overall improvement to my health; my mind, body and soul are all feeling great.  Feeling grand, started stirring in me that would like to find someone; hopefully someone who is very similar to me.  

In doing nothing, ever, to find a man compatible with me, kind of makes me my own worst enemy.  Yearning for somebody, meanwhile not doing a dang thing to make it happen. I shall go roll my eyeballs at myself on this matter.


Saturday, 16 January 2016

Is That How One Starts the New Year? - January 16, 2015

With the New Year to a dramatic-family-issue start, I am glad for the sense of normal that has now continued since New Year’s Day that made me very worried if this was to be the outlook for 2016.  However, it seems that a number of other people faced some hard times, and much of it I related to.  For a number of people they lost loved ones to old age and illnesses, mostly cancer; even celebrities we know and love have been lost to it.  My heart breaks and I try to bring them comfort as in know what it is like losing loved ones cancer; my Mother being one of them.   

Then there are the friends and acquaintances who have a rough start to the year with entirely other matters: dramatic matters, and one could possibly say… no, I am going to say it is for certain they brought on themselves; fighting with their own loved ones has been a norm for them.  Luckily I am not a part of that at all, but by all my observations of the situation particularly the stories broadcasting on social media sites, you can tell that this is another crisis by people who have a pattern of always being in a fight with someone about something; which made me think on past times of them having the exact same battle with somebody else before the present one... just keeps happening again, aaaaand again!

Friend 1: Has fallen out with every single family member I know of, and I am not sure they have any family ties left except for possibly one.  Years ago in their youth, they slowly dropped out of having a relationship with each of their own blood relatives: started with siblings spouses which lead to the siblings, to the parents, to extended family such as cousins, aunts and uncles.  These were all people concentrated in one community.  So they turned to their friends and claimed them as their real family.  Then one by one, they no longer had a friendship with each of those people.  Finally, it was the family members of their spouses; even going so far as to comment that the spouse had better be choosing them over their spouse’s own family as each one fell out of their lives.  I can understand cutting ties with loved ones when there is a toxic relationship between the two parties that is doing great harm, I really do.  Just like I know that there are two sides to every story in a falling out. However, when the one person in each situation complains about the exact same issues with each of these people connected to them it makes me realize the common denominator in each scenario of these falling outs in this pal’s life is them.  I also being to question that are perhaps their short comings contribute the repetition of these types of situations in their relationships with people they once loved and cared for. 

In my total honest opinion of this pal I keep at a length that is much more than an arm’s length, I believe this is something they thrive on and will continue to do to people who come into their lives no matter what.  Unless something changes, this is just going to keep on happening. And I suspect (without going into details) the relationships they cultivate are for their own benefits with little or regard to the others involved; that includes some sort of social recognition they are going for in associating with the people they choose, as well as financial gain, and, they seem to enjoy gossiping and talking often about others in a negative way that I know they never would if the person they speak of were standing in front of them.  Often looking for all the faults they can point out in other and how they speak of other people whom they are focused on it often sounds like they don’t even really like the friend, acquaintance, or family member at all. I have often wondered, even at the distance between us what they have said about me when I am not present.

Speaking of always finding fault in others and cutting bonds, I have a few pals who also started off the New Year looking for a fight. They have their own certain political, sociological perspectives they strongly believe in and do their damndest to verbally uphold to everyone around them… It is also costing one's health and the other their friendships as well.

Pals #2 and #3 in 2016 are very focused on being right and hammering at others to follow in their own belief systems.  I once again point out that not everyone shares the same beliefs or even the same drives in what is the right way to change the world.  I also believe that if people are that angry to get into an argument with anyone, anywhere, at anytime, about an issue they are passionate about then I better see them out there trying to help make those changes, or better yet embody the changes they want to see.  Meaning: funneling their anger and passion into making the change which requires them to get up and get out in the real world and do it.  These are two individuals who often claim others picked a fight with them on the issue or troll on internet sites looking for things that people say that angers them.  All I see when this happens is typed out confrontations where I know that often it is not going to change peoples’ opinions they have but add fuel to the anger afterward and the fight changed nothing.  There is enough fighting in the world, and these ways of arguing I rarely see result in any good coming out of it; except perhaps for these people to go and find another fight.  Meanwhile Pal #2 has health issues as a result of much of this and Pal#3 is still jobless, living off the partner’s hard work and pay cheque and I mostly see them online constantly raving at the world because no one sees it their way.  I am thinking I would like to see them up and about and less preachy and more action with that talk.  That’s just what I think and feel on that matter.

Is this how people really want to start their New Year and this is how they really want to continue to live their lives?

I think for the amount of trials and tribulation-like issues my family and I have had to face (illnesses and deaths and people with addiction issues) when things are quiet and feel normal I am ever-grateful because it feels like I can breath, that my routine feels more solid, I can focus more on the hobbies and company of friends that I appreciate, love, and adore.  It’s such a blissful, peaceful, quiet atmosphere that I hold onto each time I obtain it for the time I think the universe will allow me to have. 

My Best Friend recently asked if they, a couple of pals of ours, and I, were the only ones who genuinely fight for and enjoy this type of solitude in our lives; as drama free as possible while knowing the reality that things happen in life that are troublesome and do have to be dealt with.  I had to agree that this was perhaps the case.   I will do what I can to hang onto the family members, friends and coworkers I can, even with the ups and downs and disagreements and knowing my opinions and beliefs will not always match theirs.  Life is too short not to love and appreciate it more often.

Friday, 18 December 2015

I Think She Meant "Inconvenient," Not, "Illogical" - December 18, 2015

On a snowy evening two days ago I was on a bus heading home that stopped at one of the small main transit centres along the way.  There was not many of us on the bus and most of them were heading home from a work day. 

A woman passenger who looked appalled and annoyed, then she suddenly got up out of her seat and went up to the bus driver and proceeded to wonder if he went closer to one of the train stations.  When he revealed that it did not she began to inquire to him, almost admonishing him like a child that she didn’t understand why the one of the main hubs we stopped at was not where one of the trains also stopped at. 

He explained to her of a few potential stops she could get off at and where she could either walk to the train station she spoke of or grab a train closer to one of the bus stops he goes by that she could catch a train that would take her straight to the stop if she took it.  But no matter what, she was totally unsatisfied, and what she really wanted was somehow for the world to change completely to her benefit; and that was for the train station to have been at the placed right where we arrived at the very moment, or, that a bus took her and dropped her off there.  To her the whole thing was, “illogical,” which was a word she would say the rest of the bus trip. 

To be perfectly honest, based on her now extremely snotty tone I thought this was odd that she assumed the universe should’ve have changed to her will in that moment and no matter what the driver said, and what us her fellow passengers tried to explain to her, she just got further frustrated, very dissatisfied.  The worse she got, the more she kept saying, “illogical.”

Someone asked her if this was a matter of urgency.  No!  So this was not a matter of the situation being illogical but to be revealed as an, "inconvenience," which I had thought about going to the front of the bus and voicing to her because now my calm bus ride was erupting with her presence of disdain.

The issue was is that she lived right by the station she desired, and therefore the setup of the stops and stations did not accommodate her at all, especially on cold snowy days such as the one the city experienced.  As nice as it would seem for any transit rider to have that luxury, it is not, and if this is a huge deal and a person can afford a vehicle perhaps that is in their best interest.

I have heard people ask drivers to reroute the bus for their own benefits with little disregard to what the driver’s job expectations were and how that affected other passengers, and for a moment it seemed to me that this was exactly where she was headed with the conversation… Sorry! Not conversation! Accusations she made at him for the layout of the transit system in the city in a tone that indicated a sense of entitlement and wished to have her demands met.

One more factor was she was not prepared for the weather. We live in a country of cold winters and plenty of snow to come with them and she was barely layered in proper clothing for the wind chilled snowfall.  She was dressed in very thin slacks, dress shoes, a coat that seemed more for cool spring or fall days. 

This is stuff like this that makes me realize how selfish sometimes certain people can. If I decided to be equally rude my recommendations would be the following:

She gets a car, or
Car pools with someone who can drop her off, or
Dress properly for winter conditions, or

And if she did move I would recommend to another city, so I do not feel like someone with this much attitude, a sense of entitlement, and an actual belief in her unrealistic expectations was far away from the city I love, away from the transit system I enjoy and rely on, and because we could have worse problems in this place I love than on where the stops are.  Just a thought...


Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Fight Back the Worry - December 9, 2015

I am job hunting now, after such a long break.  Wow! Two months, so long!

There are so many things that I settled within myself that needed to be tended to, much self-reflection (what else is new), working on projects I wanted to focus on, and realizing who I want to be.  The rest was very good for me.  And now, I have only applied to two jobs that I thought would be really exciting but heard nothing back.  

At first I was a little sad, and was even having the snowball negative effect of thoughts beginning to stomp and attempt to stampede: flashes of maybe I am not good enough to the world, and that after all the hard times I went through its about to get worse, and that this is all my life will be, one hardship after another and if I don't work right away what will happen to me?  That flash of getting upset with myself came to me wondering if this was a mistake to rest for two months was taking a bad a hold on me, it still kind of lingers at the moment. Grant it it has been eleven years and I knew if I didn't rest I may end up worse without taking one after losing my Mama and everything else I had lost in the past four years, then where would I be with myself? Probably tied in a jacket and pumped with drugs. The thought makes me laugh.  

Now at the moment, when I get anxious or upset I change my focus and meditatively pray.  That doesn't mean the negative thoughts, bad dreams, or worries go away, but refocusing to positive thinking, prayers, even daydreaming of funny or fantastical notions helps.  And it is a lot better than the alternative which is let everything bad overtake me and then I go crazy and am never heard from again.  

Keeping in the positive and bubbly after one crisis after is not realistic, even though that is my natural state,  and that's only because of all I have endured.  I am slowly recovering (it takes awhile to be put back together, even for myself) but I am in a bit of  a cycle of where I am happy and over the moon to suddenly if any inkling of bad is within my perimeter I get into ugly-thoughts mode and then I am physically unwell for a moment; followed by bad dreams it seems.  However, I am doing whatever it takes to fight back when it does.  That's what is important to me that I haven't lost yet, even in moments of despair: faith, hope, love, and optimism.  Let that never be taken away from me.  Otherwise I will worry!!!


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties

Monday, 7 December 2015

Dishes Is My Arch Nemesis - December 7, 2015

Dishes.... The way they are stacked in my sink right now look like jagged points of a mountain top, staring at me, making a point that they require my attention.  Does anyone else find dishes to be the enemy?

I am a big fan of to-do lists and dishes is actually written as a top priority even though I wrote, "ha, ha, ha," beside it, as I already know that this may not be give the immediate attention it deserves and it will soon over flow the sink while the rest of the apartment is immaculate.  I have been this way with this chore for a very long time in my life.  At least I scrape and rinse them so there is no smells or anything growing on them; they are just rinsed dishes that should really take no time to clean but I let them sit anyway.

I enjoy cleaning everything but dishes, it is a strange behavior to even myself, and I know it is because of me the dishes get dirty and stack up, yet I childishly blame them.  Ha ha ha! Oh dishes!


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties

Friday, 4 December 2015

That Pen & Notebook Is Mine - December 4, 2015

I have been doing some travelling to visit loved ones a little more frequently, and I am a light packer, I really am.  I always carry a backpack for sure, sometimes my tote if I need to bring some extra things.  These days the top priority is some notebooks and my pack of pens being thrown in my bags before anything else.  They cannot be forgotten, they go everywhere with me, and if I almost forget them at someone else's house or someone goes to pick them up a very childlike reaction erupts in me saying, "that's mine, I got it," quickly putting it away. I may not be a great blogger lately, but for sure the writing never stops, the ideas, small notes, and lengthy essays that don't get posted never cease, and they are all with me wherever I go now.  As I pondered this while tucking my goodies away in my travel bag I realized I was like this when I was younger too.

I know I established in previous blogs that I am not a great writer, and I write a lot, but the realization that the writing has been there for years really dawned on me recently.  From small colourful diaries as a child, to short stories and poetry taking over scraps of paper from around the house on my parents to even using up old art paper as a teenager (got in trouble for that more than once when it turned out  my parents needed those sheets), to the present day where notebooks, sheets tore out of notebooks and scratch pads filled with colourful squiggly words are scattered all over my coffee table and desk.... and maybe underneath the coffee table.  I am loving it and wouldn't have it any other way, it is all mine even if it is a mess.  Perhaps the childlike possessive behaviour has not dwindled.


Monday, 9 November 2015

Kids Make Me Laugh and Smile - November 9, 2015

Kids are the best heart emoticon I saw a little girl waving from one of the buses going down main street; her and her mother (or caregiver) for fun were waving to no one in particular, just waving for the heck of it. As I was the only one who noticed I waved back. I haven't seen a kid look so excited like that in a long time. It made me laugh and smile for a good long time. I hope she felt the same after.

This morning on the bus I saw a father and his children (a small boy and a baby girl) on their way to one of the Dad and kid programs nearby.  The boy was sitting next to him, baby was in a wrap and tucked into his coat facing him.  While the boy and Dad were talking quite animatedly about everything from road construction, to buses to where they were going, the Dad would frequently look at his tiny baby girl and give her little kisses on her forehead.  He had a big fuzzy beard, and you could see her cute tiny baby expressions of love and joy when she stared up at her Dad followed by tiny frowns and surprises every time he laid tiny bristled kisses on her head. It was so sweet!