Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Vacation Reflection - July 29, 2015

For a few days I had no cell phone on, and I took it apart for extra peace and quiet.  

Then I was way out in the middle of nowhere at my grandparents' farm, where I could sleep, eat, and work hard with them.  Mostly Grandma and I found ourselves resting, chatting and catching up and napping in between.  Then we would find the energy to do some work, then go back to resting.  It's exactly what I needed, and I think she did too.

Both of us are hard working women, and sometimes having others, and in our case each other, to validate that we are okay to relax and rest and ignore the world's expectation of us for a couple of days.  

In that time, I had much to reflect on already, and I am not even halfway through my break. Nothing I thought of triggered stress nor caused me anxiety, but I was glad to sift the entire mess in my head and figure some things out that weighed on me.  Now it doesn't weigh, and what I choose next in life I pray is for my betterment and others; even those who may rage against my change because they lose out of their own personal gains, but I want my life back, I know what feels right to me and what I need to do:  

In my old age I have come to get better at being eloquent in my diplomatic way of telling loved ones and friends some hard truths, rather than just being assertive and holding my ground politely.  Verbal aggression and making people sting are only required when they need a real reality check, but that comes after the first round or two of people just not listening to me or others and thinking they can bully themselves into getting what they want.  So I remind myself of this: I can do it, and tactfully unless otherwise.  Then the time comes, which is very soon, I have to do just that, and I believe I can do it well.  My biggest critic which is myself is having less of a say these days and I am trusting myself more that I can do right without the constant pessimism of things possibly going bad every time I have to do  something like this.

That I deserve to try to love another again, take on my hobbies and side projects without so much interruption of fixing others problems that are so easy to work on and remedy, even if they believe they don't have to put in any work for themselves, or, they think any work is too hard.

In the next year I will take travels overseas on my breaks.  Learn about the world more, be in awe and be taught by others of what life is like for them.

Appreciating the fact that I know how to rest and relax and take time away from the hectic atmospheres in certain parts of my life. That I still know how to take a vacation.  

I am pretty good at fighting the monsters of this world.

I will finish writing my book.  Finish my poetry collections for print. Complete my series of short stories.  Be a better writer.... THIS ONE IS THE BIG FOR ME!!! :)


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Monday, 27 July 2015

My Favourite Thing, Turning the Phone Off - July 27, 2015

Vacation is here.  Along with my time off comes one of my nasty habits I just relish getting into on long breaks... Turning my cell off. Isn't it awful? The old lonewolf turning off her cell phone for so many days? No texts to read, no phone calls to take, and no voice mails to hear.  

If I want to check any online messages I have access to internet pretty easily. That includes my blogs here as well. However, my cell is the real thorn in my side technology and internet-wise and not through computers; where I don't receive voice mails, texts or phone calls.  Everyone I know seems to be constantly calling, texting, even leaving more voice mails.  I have never adjusted to this, usually my phone has been silent.  For many weeks, NO, months now, it feels like it is burning out; well, I can't speak for my phone I guess, but I am burnt out from the amount of high usage I have with it.  Thank God for my cell plan to save me money, or I would be extra annoyed with the amount of money I would be required to cover my bill.

Besides my need to keep the phone off, but even taken apart (yes, taken apart, you read that right folks), but I believe it will also do the following three things:

-Teach others to survive on their own and get going on their own lives. Particularly full grown humans who know better and know exactly what they need to do.
-Less stress for me and will feel less annoyed or feel like people are trying to obligate me to fix their lives for them
-Because I believe I need to be cut off every now and then and have more peace and quiet, something I have had to fight and win all my life, and one day won't have to anymore I pray.  So moments like turning off a cell, a device where everyone can reach me anytime, and all the time needs to be shut down, torn apart so no one can do so and I don't have to give it a second though.

There many people including my surviving parent who have made decisions without solid plans, nor any well placed steps to follow nor back up plans.  It has become a situation in their lives where all these people didn't plan anything, they were too busy living in the moment without thoughts to the consequences or as to what could happen if they don't plan accordingly or if things go wrong.  Then what happens when things don't go right they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and have to fix it themselves either they try to get me to or worse, mooch and lean on me and then keep making the same mistakes because they haven't learned their lesson.  Like my ex, I am a convenience in their eyes.  However, I am a realist, I ask them questions and force them to self-reflect or I draw a line in the sand and prompt them they need to fix themselves and to take care of themselves.  But despite that, they still think by trying or pressuring it will make things change and they will get their way and won't have to work for their lives, make sacrifices and make the hard decisions for they continue to try and find people, anyone else, to fix their lives for them, achieve their goals and successes.  People like me.

What none of them realize is the sacrifices I have made in life, the hard (but right and just and what I feel is highly moral) decisions that got me to where I am today is why I am successful.  The journey.  The unbeaten path.  Through it I learned to be stronger, realistic, have a plan, be highly organized, and foresee what needs to be done more clearly all the time.  And as I age, and become more knowledgeable, what I want to do, learn next and become better than I already am.  It's hard enough to do all that with one's self and try and look out for others without doing everything for them; getting them to pick up themselves and learn and move on.... something that I see is becoming less likely to happen.  

But I am not God, I am not Superman, I can't be everywhere at once taking care of everyone at once, and coddling and solving everything for everyone.  I have my own journey that everyone keeps interrupting because they are trying to step on my mine to get to what they want, or where they want to go in life.  Especially when I see how easily they could do it, even directing them verbally. Yet every time I lend support through my ears and words and support through instruction (not bad plans even if they thought about it) all I see is the expressions on their face of it being too hard, that I won't do the work for them; they all want instant success and not have to do a damn thing to obtain what they want in life.  Well, I have don this, time for others to do the same.  It sounds harsh, cold, even unloving.  But I believe that it actually is probably the most loving thing I can do for them, and it helps to give a real reality check.  

I have worked hard, I deserve to start living more and continue on where I left off four years ago when I left my long term relationship.  While he and everyone else is still figuring things out and looking for everyone else to blame for their mistakes in life or lean on everyone else for their happiness I walk away from the dramatic chaos and troubling feelings of being used, and gonna continue on the next phase of the unbeaten path, and start to climb some big hills. Otherwise how will I ever conquer the mountains I see in the distance?


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Reflecting On Old Reflections - July 25, 2015

When life gets busy, really fast, AND, when people are surrounding you (a lonewolf) twenty-four-seven, it seems there is never enough time to write.  I want to change that.

I was going through some old diaries, journals, short stories and poems, and I came across many articles I had created but had not looked at for a long time.

I was fascinated to read one paper in particular that made realize how far I had come.  A woman who was afraid of what was happening in life and where she was going.  I was in fear of the unknown, I was in fear of what came next. 

I ask the same questions, but with a different mindset, a different mood.  Thus I realized that I am older, wiser, and a lot less fearful, and in a very short period of time.

Here is what I wrote, and I wanted to share in case someone else out there relates, and could perhaps find comfort in knowing they are not alone; other people who have felt the same way as I have:

(Written about four years ago shortly before I broke up with my partner of over six years)


What do you do, when you have no clue of what to do?  Especially when you are someone who is always sure of what to do..

You know yourself so well, and then, some things come along that contradict you, yourself, your entire being... What happens next?

You may find yourself reaching for God, searching for signs, looking, seeking, wanting answers.. and you find the answers are not there, or you just can't see them yet. And you worry you missed them, or worse, that they are already there but you are looking at something else instead that you think could be the answer for you. And what if you actually cannot tell what is staring right in front of your face because it's  not the answer you think it should be?

What if the answer you get is something you end up thinking it's wrong? You think it is wrong because it is the total opposite of who you are; your morals, what you believe is right and wrong... the answer just doesn't match. It feels like such a contradiction, but yet it feels so entirely right... perfect, even.

                 ...Then... what do you do?

                      What, am I, supposed to do?


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

I Am Super Giddy - July 12, 2015

I have had the most astounding weekend in awhile.  So many things to tell, but not very much time after such a busy two days to tell.  It was filled with adventures, surprises, and epiphanies which have resulted in game plans.  These little events that occurred are all going to be shared in the next several postings, as it would take too long to tell all in one day, but here are some highlights.

I have gained inspiration that I am on the right track with where I want to go and what I want to do in my life right now from a delightful tiny old man with no hair, who wore big black glasses, and had on a lovely blue shirt and shiny black pants.  After focusing on him at my favourite book store for an hour, I realized when I grow up I want to be like him. What he was doing in that hour drew me in.

The second thing I could go into great detail about (already have in a few of my postings) of what is bothering me in life, specifically the work sphere. However, I am not going to, or at least not right now, especially as some of it is repetitious and I am rather sick of venting about it. But. I think I found the words which are the best way to sum it up, and they are two words. Boredom burnout! That expresses it the best.

Thirdly.  Though I frequently go on many mini adventures around my favourite city and often try to invoke spontaneity when I see the moments presented to me, I need way more of them than I am getting.

The last big thing for me was figuring out that I don't get giddy or excited like I should. Grant it with everything that has happened that past three and a half years of course it's hard to get excited or giddy when you keep getting blindsided by some of the worst things that have ever happened to me, however, I have started getting excited again, and very giddy; particularly today.  That and mixed with a large amount of caffeine it has made me almost shaky.  Today, there has been at least four times I wanted to jump up and down and squeal with delight, and all of them were out in public places.  I guess I could I just worry about freaking out people around me, especially people with small children.  I wanted jump up and squeal at the book store, a bus stop, the library and even in the middle of a hallway at a mall.  I will save it for when I get home. 

What moments in your life has made you so giddy that you could've (maybe you had) squealed and jumped up and down in public places?


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Monday, 6 July 2015

Online Shopping Is Not Really My Thing - July 6, 2015

There are two types of shopping for me, the, "Must be done, or I die," and the, "relaxed."  Okay I wouldn't necessarily die but they are essentials I require like my groceries, clothing, health and beauty care, then usually getting my bills done while I am at it.  Generally I take one day a month and I do my, "shop or die," in one big haul; anything that I must have to live gets done on that appointed day.  After all, it takes a lot to take care of one person sometimes, even just myself I have found.  Necessary shopping feels better for me to get done in one whole day and then I do not have to worry about it for the rest of the month.  Meanwhile I have lists of all kinds to keep track of what I am running out of or I need to replace so I don't forget when the day comes.  A handful of years ago it became a great teaching tool for me of making things last as long as possible and not to be excessive with what I buy.  Having it pre-planned well by following my lists and then mapping the city to where I need to go is adventurous and adds a sense of fun for my least favourite type of shopping, which has helped greatly and I am actually enjoying it more than ever now.  I have many different places I go for particular things, and I will go very far for what works for me and to maintain my beastly-frugal habits; I seem to find the cheapest of what I need and will go far to get them, even halfway across this great city I live in.

I love to bus and walk when I shop, even haul things around.  Even one of my sisters called me a, "true bag lady," as I hauled around recycle bags full of my items and I had about three bags on one arm and two on the other.  Perhaps I am.  Just, please, no one out there be cruel and pull one of the bags off of me because I may fall over to one side!  And that was a relaxed day shopping my sister and I had.  However, I was helping her carry her things more than what I bought.

Ah! Relaxed day of shopping... Actually it usually involves more of me window shopping.  I do love window shopping.  Which is why I could never be an avid online shopper, I love seeing things in person where I can closely stare or even touch, and that includes when the signs say not to.

Ands most times I don't want CSR's to worry about me, and it can be hard to relax shop if anyone puts you on their radar to make sure you aren't stealing or worse several workers all ask if you need help; even when they have seen others ask and they have clearly heard you say you are just browsing.  If I require assistance at the shops I of course am going to ask especially when I am certain they have what I am looking for but it got moved or I just don't see it anywhere.  But other than that I prefer to take my time, drink it all in and examine, things, developing my own opinion or impressions.  I rarely (if ever) expose myself to commercials, magazines, flyers etc everything that mainstream tries to get us to buy by tantalizing our senses or pushing us that we need certain things, and they hold no sway over me because I like to figure out what I like and need on my own, as I am extremely stubborn that way.  I know who I am and what I want and like without being pushed, pressured or anything like that by other people, TV, magazines, billboards, or eve online.  Many people have tried to convince me that this is all the more reason to shop online, and no one hassles you and it's convenient and you can get deals.  Well, often I can find an even better deal, and most shops know me by now because I always go to the same stores over and over again and I am even acquainted with the owners, managers and staff so that solves my problem there.  Usually if I am ambushed it is because I am in a store that is not too familiar with me or I never stepped foot in it before.

I am a curious person.  An investigator, I love browsing, to search, seek, to find things out, even figure things out.  Shopping is the most fun for me that way.  Ninety percent of the time I am not even buying.

Don't get me wrong, I am not being negative about online shopping nor my friends and family and acquaintances of all sorts who love it, but it's not for me.  And for these people who do, I can see why it is the better option for them.. these are non-people people.  What I mean by that is these are folks who have developed a very negative views of the human race in the first place so shopping around is truly not for them.  These same people who end up having to go outdoors and shop are the get in and get out type people and seem to get shopping rage quicker than my Dad getting road rage.  I have noticed a pattern in my personal life of people around me with a negative view of others correlating with they are avid (even addicted) online shoppers.

Another thing with online browsing benefits is that it adds to the realization that the world has become a lot smaller and things out of reach are easier to look up and see in store, and if push come to shove I could order from the warehouses if I need to and that's only because usually I am getting gifts for other people and it's stuff they'd really like that I can't find anywhere else at that time.

Even if I do order online, I often get it sent to the store, because so far (well the record has been one hundred percent so far versus home delivery) they are quick to inform whether or not it's going to get here to me, as well as there will be no mix ups at the office where I live where the parcels get received, or if it became unavailable or delayed the store informs me, and if necessary refunds are super fast.

Most importantly to me, whether I have orders once in a blue moon, or I am shopping on foot, everywhere I get to interact with people, maybe even make some new friends and learn more about the world.


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Annoying Pains - July 5, 2015

Ooof! You ever hurt yourself and it just doesn't hurt it is an annoying pain?

I have certain kinds that really bother me, and often accidentally self-inflicted, and they drive me crazy! Even if the pain for me does not last very long, they still drive me crazy because it is so bad and annoying it seems to go on forever; this long stretch of sharp agony. Agh!!!

The top ones for me are:

My headphone strings get caught on something and then the headphones are ripped right off my head, or, I am wearing the earplug kind and they rip right out of my ears.

Hitting my funny bone.

Dropping something on my foot, particularly my smaller toes.  Or stubbing my toes, and hurts even worse on the smaller toes.

Walking into something.

Hot drinks I have bought are filled to the rim and they start spilling or leaking out of the lids and they burn my hands, or other parts of my body and stain my clothes.  As much as I love that people are trying to get my money's worth it still stings.

Anything that bumps or hits my nose.

Sharp corners jabbing into my body but feels worse to me if it's around my thighs, and it always seems to be from desks, a night stand, or a table of some kind or even countertops.

Biting any part of the inside of my mouth or my lips.  I have huge teeth with ever so slightly serrated edges in some parts especially my front teeth and a small jaw so as soon as I bite the inside of my mouth of lips it takes awhile for the blood to stop flowing.  Then because I am swollen from it I often bite it more than once afterward. IT HURTS!!!

Any hang nails I get hurt pretty good.  Those annoy me too.

Any pains anyone else have out there that annoys them as well?


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

I'm A Bad Writer, But, I Love It - July 4, 2015

Anyone who has read my blog postings here already knows I can't write well.  For heaven sakes I even got a red line up in the title section for not having two commas.

I am a bad writer! But I love it! I have always loved writing little short stories ever since I was six years old. Art has been even longer; since I could hold writing and drawing tools according to my parents.  When I turned nine I started keeping journals or diaries and then I love writing even more.  Even anything I had to write for school had always been a pleasure; whether I was really into the topics for class or not there was still that soothing almost Zen-like feeling I got when I wrote.  It's also a feeling of liberation to voice things I write or type, whether it's happy moments in life I want to remember, my worries or concerns, wish lists, dreams, nightmares, stories or poems.

It is still my outlet for my mental, emotional, and even spiritual well-being.  Like I have often said, it is easier for me to buy notebooks and use it to vent that than pay people to hear my batch of tales-of-woe.  If I really need to vent to people in real life it is to those near and dear t me, my amazing family and support network.  If I didn't have that or my health both mentally and emotionally was not good I definitely would turn to the professionals for aid.  Needing to maintain my balance in life I would go where I could get help for it for sure.  However, my greatest aid right now, and has been for so long, is my writing.  It feels like an old friend I never want to let go of.

Like how some people feel about my accumulated hours for playing video games I fall in love with it has been similar to my writing, being viewed a useless or pointless (especially if I never get better at it), but what I put it into it is mine and I love it; all those thoughts, hopes, dreams, vents, opinions, creativity (if you can call it creative).  I love doing it, I hope things never change so much in my life that I can't do it anymore.


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.