Friday, 30 October 2015

Hallow's Eve - October 30, 2015

One more sleep until Halloween! A celebration entailing rituals and remembrance of the dead; for some the belief that the dead return to us in some form as the invisible line between us and the ghosts and whatever else may be out there fades a little more; dressing up; and lots of candy!

For years my ex and I had everyone coming to our place that day of the year all dressed up and bringing their Halloween themed homemade treats to watch goofy horror movies and play board games.

Now, for the past hand full of years it has my Bestie and I picking and watching a favourite Halloween movie and doing something with just the two of us.  No dressing up or big parties for me anymore.  I focus on keeping it quiet and relaxed, luckily I have excellent company who enjoys the same as I do.

I do have one thing that has remained unchanged for years, my October Halloween movie marathon.  Here are my list of favourites along with a mention of the ones I am missing from my collection that should be there:

Halloween (original)
The Lost Boys
Let the Right One In
Garfield's Halloween Special
Practical Magic
Mary Reilly

Ones I still need to buy but I rent/borrow:
28 Days Later
Silver Bullet
Dracula (Gary Oldman as the Count)
Hocus Pocus

Anyone else have their favourites they watch every year?


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

I'm a Contradiction - October 29, 2015

I was contemplating the other day the many ways I am a contradiction.  This is not the first time I have pondered over it nor will it be the last.  To me, when I think on it, it is amusing.  I don't deny it and will be the first to bring it up, but to other people who come to the realization it is probably an annoyance.  However, I do not let it bother me, I like the way I am and would prefer to stay this way on where I appear to others to be a walking contradiction.  I would definitely be bothered if I changed and was no longer a contradiction.  I will take a moment to explain.

The way I am is the way I am but I do not impose my beliefs nor way of life onto others thinking that they should also behave and live the same life I am.  Further to that, we are not all the same so that's just not going to work now is it?  If I saw someone who was harming themselves in some way, or there was factors posing a risk in their life - especially if it was due to the choices they made - then I may say something.  Even at that I would be seeking help for them and finding what works for them to stop whatever bad habits/behaviours were going on in order to help them out, not necessarily comparing them to me and what has worked for me unless I think it would be applicable to the situation and would be based more on advice and suggestion not pushing or forcing it upon somebody.  I may be religious/spiritual individual but like to think my concern for humanity at present would be more important even if I was not a believer in something else outside of myself that I cannot see.

Where I appear to be the biggest contradiction is in my veganism and being a Christian.

As a vegan I am environmentally conscientious, worry about where I buy stuff and what it's origins are so I know what is going into my body.  I even worry about the packaging of what I am purchasing to avoid putting too much in the landfill and try to recycle as much as I can.  The origins of that stems from when I began to worry about my health and beauty products I used: what was in them and what could it do to my body in the long run? Then overtime I came across certain books and websites that lead me on the path to changing my food intake.  But, I am not walking the walk that other vegans I have met do.

I will not preach at you.  If people ask me questions I answer as many questions as I can and even refer people to the sources that got me started.  I got especially lucky with the material I found.  The voices that rolled off the pages were filled with kindness and humility in their encouragements, they too were not preachy at all.  These were people who had done their research and were genuinely, humbly, concerned as to what certain foods and their productions were doing to our health, animals, and the environment. Hence, I will answer questions but encourage people to look to those who lead me down my path as I feel they are the better role models.  I have eaten this way for several years and have had no inclination to go back to my daily intake as before. This works for me from the inside out and I am pleased at how I can help in other ways, even if my mark may be small.

It is amazing when people attack me on it (on a verbal front not a physical one I assure you) and I know why that is... they came across someone who will preach to no end about why others need to become vegetarian and vegans for the sake of the world.... I have been exposed to such individuals myself and it hurts my ears and my head.  Those who are not eating a vegan diet will get angry before they get to me know and make rude jokes or keep hammering at me for my choice.  That does not mean it's okay, but I know where it's coming from and as soon as I say that I live my life this way please go live yours your own way they leave me alone pretty fast.  They realize I am not going to lecture them on their eating habits and even sense that there is no way they are going to change me or be phased by their behavior.  Most times, they then change their tune and begin to ask questions; turning to a polite educational conversation between us.  They often discover that I encourage others to find the foods that work for them and that moderating is most important mindset for anyone.  It doesn't mean after the conversation I expected that it changed them in any way, but that we both learned something about one another.  I am always pleased and humbled when someone makes an effort and changed something in their diet and thought to tell me right away.... often its because of the polite conversation between us.  My friend who specializes in health and nutrition has found politeness works best versus other people in the profession who get really firm on the subject; as we are both polite people, her and I, this is the way we like to make change and lead by example.  However, other vegans and vegetarians would disagree, even say I am too soft, not strict enough, and not really true to my veganism if I am not spreading it around as I should.  If I buy food for guests that I know are not vegan I buy them what they want and avoid vegan-izing anything.  I don't make speeches on why everyone should change their diets or go through the lists of the benefits, but I know there are plenty of people out there who will. I don't hit up protests or have joined any activist groups.  I am not part of a community/groups on the subject.  That's just not how I roll.  I live how I live, lead by example in what I do, and be the change I want to see.  This is the same way I am in my religious or spiritual aspect of my life.

I believe in Christ.  I study my Bible, but, I have some issues with the authenticity.  Yet, I still study it.  I pray a lot, and focus more on what I sense is between me  and the Big Guy in the Sky and our relationship, and how He gently, lovingly guides me on my path in life; even when I am scared or mess up.  I sense Him and see the good and love from Him everyday, even when the world seems very dark and scary particularly when I know what we human beings are doing to each other: the violence, the cruelness, the lies, deceptions, cheating, etc.  I could go on about the darkness I see in us human beings... But what helps me in life, what gets me through the days, weeks and months is Him.  My belief, hope, faith and love in Him.  But others would say I am not truly Christian, and here are some things based on what others have said that I have been judged for by other Christians:

- I don't spread or quote the gospel
- I don't attend church anymore
- I don't associate with many other Christians
- Some things I say and do would be considered against the Bible
- I have nothing against people who love each other who are the same gender
- I totally against man being above women
- I don't believe in no sex before marriage
- I don't believe every women should have kids and if they don't they are going against something that all women should innately desire
- Not a pacifist: if someone/myself is being attacked or hurt I will fight back if I see the fight requires force.
- I have friends who are Jehovah, Mormon, agnostic, Baha'i, and Catholic (if anyone thinks there is not much difference between Christian and Catholic my Catholic friends and I have already noted there is a considerable difference)
- Sometimes my diplomacy goes out the door and those who require a good dose of humility get a forked-tongue that I try to keep in check and hit them where I know they are weak. I am not good with argumentative people or bullies, and often they wear their wounds of what makes them feel weak or negative about themselves.  But, being a good reader of people I also see that negative sore spot very quick.  If these people get out of line or are rude or bullying others (especially to make others feel bad to make themselves feel good or win an argument) then I point out the sore spot and that's probably why they are being the way they are. Works every time.  I don't like to resort to it but I will to defend others. 

Does that make me not a Christian? I believe I still am and will not argue with anyone on the subject who says I am not; but I don't say I agree with them either, I just shrug it off. However, it is amazes me by how many people (no matter what they believe) have pegged me for being Christian.  Throughout my life when I have been noted to be Christian before I confirm it people say it has been because of how I present myself, how I behave, and how, "kind," "caring,"  and, "understanding," I am.  The interesting feedback on how some people knew I was a Christian is because of the righteous indignation I get over the wrongs done to other people and I will not back down going so far as to being very blunt and honest; the bluntness and honesty has apparently given it away.  That one still surprises me.

Does this make me a bad vegan? A bad Christian? Or do these things make me not a vegan or a Christian?

I don't care.  But I wouldn't want to change it.


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Monday, 26 October 2015

I Am Sensing a Lack of Humanitarianism Here - October 26, 2015

There has been an overload on social media sites of memes my friends are spreading around with messages filled with heaps of anger since the election in this country.  Okay, not all of it is angry, there are people with joyful memes out there too, but every picture filled with very negative statements bothers me, outweighing any positive messages.  While everyone is battling each other with all these memes and status updates, all I see is people trying to top one another in sounding more vicious with the statements they are attempting to get across, especially toward anyone who doesn't agree with them; that's all I see in this.

In some cases, what some people are saying is downright cruel, I think.  I think it is wrong when we are attacking peoples family members in those messages, even if they are a political figure; or anyone who is in the media spotlight, I don't see any need for that and I think it says something about the character of those who do such things, and its not good what I am thinking about them.  Now I am hearing about western provinces wanting to separate, or, become a part of the United States, and how angry people are about those who wish to move to Canada.  Apparently a person wanting to come to our country is an awful notion to many in this country.  I hear more racist statements come out of that argument than people actually being worried about terrorists stepping foot into this country.  Also, I worry for the safety of those being forced out of our country because of racist motivations.  I thought our Canada was above that, I guess I am wrong.

Seeing and hearing all this, I have one thought, one fear that plagues me: I see no love, nor do I see much humanitarianism in any of this.  Adding to that, I sum up my  views on political candidates as I do with ANYONE in life, which is that if I see they demonstrate in their character a lack of care and support to those in our country who are in need of help, and seem fine with ostracizing another human being (or a particular group of people), or worse, their behaviours/actions leave me with a sense that they are a part of a fear and hatred campaign while they are in office then I am not comfortable with them.  People like that, no matter who they are, scare me.  From my point of view, that easily can lead humanity down a destructive path, which I don't have to look far back in history to see how bloody and ugly it can get; we end up destroying each other.  Two events that spring to mind involve a guillotine, and concentration/extermination camps... It breaks my heart and makes me afraid of how far we human beings will go when fear and hatred are at the helm of our lives...

I am not saying we are headed down such a dark path, but like I say, as history has shown us, it can happen so fast.  In my mind fear and hatred of one another needs to be stopped in its tracks and dissolved immediately.  I know that can be a tall order at times, but it is better than what could happen.  But that's my hope, for it to be stopped right away; especially when I worry things are getting out of control every time I see such hatred towards one another and people are willing to jump on the hate-band-wagon together, trying to spread it around.

So what do I do? I avoid participating in it, even try to get away from it too so I am not exposed to it.  I let people know how it can quickly get out of hand and destroy us.  Avoiding it may seem like a denial tactic but I have to otherwise it depresses me, causes me to feel ill, anxious.  But most of all, I look for where I don't see this rampage of anger and hate...

Instead I looked around, and I saw:

Two teens flirting in a library, a boy and a girl.  They were whispering in each other's ears while they were trying to get some studying done.

A child and a grandparent sharing a scooter together, with the grandchild driving the scooter around a mall.  They navigated their trip together, with huge smiles on their faces.

Two ladies leaning on each other's shoulders with their eyes closed on the bus.

A girl in a white dress looks up at her boyfriend in the middle of the sidewalk and says, "It's like I'm your bride or something, I mean look at me," she laughs.  He answers sweetly, staring at her lovingly, "It'd be the perfect day for it," and then gives her a kiss.

A boy is on the train with his Mom.  It's his first trip on the train and when he sees the view of the river as it crosses the bridge he squeals with delight.

I returned a set of keys to someone who left them in their own mailbox in the lobby of the building where I live.  To see their relief made me joyful

Seeing three women, all of different backgrounds and religions laughing so hard together they were crying while having coffee together.

This! All that! Is love and humanity at it's BEST! That's important to me.  More important than the other messages I have been seeing.

Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

I Prefer To Be Off the Radars - October 20, 2015

I am used to living without really being on anyone's radar.  I will not hesitate to jump in and help out those I love of course, but I am just not used to anyone coming to save me, worrying about me, being overly concerned for me, or even coddling or doting upon me.  As a lonewolf I am used to taking care of myself, all by myself, even at my lowest of low points.  Actually, especially when I am feeling like I am at the bottom of a pit.  However, recently, I am realizing I may have to adjust to a revelation, which is: that I may not be able to get away with being unseen as much anymore.  I am uncertain as to why this shift has occurred, but I may have no choice to adapt to it... I guess.

I started noticing that people are paying attention to me more since I have been taking time off.  Jobless and resting has now come with addressing any pressing issues more readily than if I was working, or, even better, seeing friends and family more often.  As much as I love seeing everyone as I have been able to, or respond more promptly to their messages, emails and phone calls, it feels overwhelming.  This steady amount of contact is not something I am used to and am not adjusting to it as well as I could be.

Being on my own in this city for so long has been so easy and familiar and to suddenly have people closer (in proximity) and having such consistent contact with everybody these days (unlike before), well, it feels too much; particularly when they are all suddenly very concerned for me.  I have been taking care of myself (even when I was young I started to learn how to care as best as I could for my emotional, mental and spiritual well-being due to my super highly reflective awareness of myself) for so long without much notice to anyone, so all recent attention feels wrong, and I am being attentive to how I am reacting to it to ensure I am not mean or snappy to anyone.  Luckily I haven't been rude to anybody (so far), but my first thoughts when I feel people are concerned about me, is this: I am fine. What's the deal here? Leave me alone, please! I feel more defensive if it seems to be more than one person doing it.  At least I know where this initial defensiveness stems from, and it is odd, even to me, because of how I became this way.  I am unsure if I can explain it properly, but I shall try.

There is this trend in my life that God, the fates, the universe (whomever or whatever you believe to be in charge, or maybe it's nothing or no one) created long ago.  I know the trend started before my teens, however I no longer can remember the exact age or situation where it originated from.  I don't care when it started anymore, it just feels like it has always been this way.  The rend is this:

In my life, when I am extremely sad, angry, or in a crisis, I have had 1). friends who have no idea what to do, or, 2). no one is there for me.  The second one I will explain in further detail, later.  The first one I can easily explain now.

Fro some friends they find it too hard to even sit down and listen.  I could not only tell that it was uncomfortable or that it was too much for them just by watching them.  Some have admitted it as well.  They were honest.  Why are they like this though?  For them, I am the loved one who rarely falls apart and if I do it's too hard for them to help me, or deal with my emotions that they rarely see in me.  It's like they suddenly have no clue as to how to help and prefer I go away until I am better.  And, at least, they were honest as to why it bother them.  These are friends I made in my early years who are all quite sensitive.  You not always see it in them right away, especially at a first meeting but you would when you got to know them and time has passed.  And they are like this even now, as we got older.  The friends I have made in recent years are more open to sitting and listening no matter what is going on with me, but< I have chosen to lean on them any further than that; no hugs, no coddling, no full on meltdown in front of them and asking someone to care for me, even for a little while... I don't look for that anymore.  I do seem to lean on my Bestie pretty good, but I do not try to in the extent that I would have with other friends in earlier friends.  When you seek that and no one is there for you in that way, (don't worry I am not the kind who would not offer that to others, quite the contrary I am told it helps a lot and apparently I am very good at cuddling and comforting... I am not a cold monster I promise) that yearning goes away overtime.

When I used to want/seek comfort by being held in someone's arms while I cried, screamed and talked about what was happening but couldn't find it I didn't get mad at anyone for it.  Sure I was in pain but I can't blame people for being nowhere to be found.  If there is to be blame I blame the universe instead, especially if anyone thinks this change in me is not good I would just point out into the great wide yonder.  I am good, it's no one's fault. The upside for me is I learned to pick myself up over and over, while finding what works best at helping me out.  The pattern of no one being available to be there for me luckily was my way to find out how to help myself.  I discovered many ways, but the three I have used most are:

Screaming and crying in pillows
Big, long, heavy workouts (weights and kickboxing are good), and

Now here is the second part, explaining what I mean by that no one responds when I have reach out for help when I feel like I am rock bottom.  I will give you one example, and it was the last time I reach out to people when I felt I was stuck at the bottom of a deep dark pit.  When I say no one responds, no one responds! None! At my worse times I used to try and get someone, anyone I loved, to hear me.  There was no answer to the phone calls, the door knocks, the emails, the text messages.  If anyone out there is thinking that that is impossible in thirty-plus years of someone's life, apparently it is not.  I almost laugh in writing that by the way, sorry but I do.  And that is why I am not mad.

Awhile back I had a really rough week, and already the supports that were once there at work for all us workers were no longer as they once were, and therefore I did not feel comfortable turning to them, and hadn't after that.  I was burnt out, sad, angry, and needed someone to listen to me vent, and maybe give me a huge hug, and maybe let me cry.  If no hugs then at least let me talk.  It had been a LONG time since I felt so down and out, and it felt like I was about to go insane as one negative thought after another kept piling in my head and making me feel worse with each passing moment.  So, I took the chance to reach out... and boy did I ever! I called my parents, my sisters, and my grandparents and left them each a voicemail asking them to call me when they got the message.  Then, I messaged/texted friends' cell phones, even social media sites, asking them if I could see them, or talk to them.  I even door knocked when my Bestie didn't answer my messages.  There was no response.  Nothing! I knew when I did this that I already knew better than to be seeking everyone out like that, but I did anyway.  In earlier years I did not have cell phone or internet to give me the easier access, and even now, with all those things the trend remains... I don't get an answer.  That's how the universe works it with me on that aspect of my life.

In case anyone is wondering if any answer comes later, yes, it does.  The responses come late at night when I have fallen asleep or the next day.  The responses are actually all quite similar:
They went to bed early or were napping
They were super busy
They missed the messages and voicemails.

It's all good.  I know how to fix myself and what I need to do and I am doing great. However, I face another trend....

These days it feels like people are now hovering over me and worrying when everything with me is fine.  Two friends came out of the blue to see me, and I hadn't seen them in a long time, not since Mom's death which is almost a year ago already, and they both said the same thing when I saw each of them: "If Mohammed won't come to the mountain then the mountain comes to you my dear." And then they wonder how I am and have been worried despite we are all on the same social media sites and they should already know, and I know they know because they have written to me there. I let them know I was good, especially as of late I am quite well.  But the worry hasn't stopped with them.  Now, speaking of social media there are some worries that arise from status updates, wherein if I post too late at night or too early in the morning I have been getting asked if I stayed up all night and if I am okay.  I find that one interesting.  I have been asked if I am feeling well, and that one confuses me a bit considering everyone else these days is sick (some are really unwell with some sort of cold) but not me.  I am totally healthy.  Thumbs up over here!

I guess I could chalk it up to that it is probably because Mom passed away last year, however, like I said earlier, it is already almost a year, and things are much better at the moment.  Everyone I love is much better these days besides colds or flus happening.  But the focus has seemed to be on me more than others, and it makes me feel like I am being watched.

Maybe if I was younger again and this was happening I would perhaps relish (big IF though) in this spotlight of concern and even throw myself into everyone's arms and soak it up and allow myself to be coddled and be grateful for being so noticed.  But the instinct to be that overly grateful or filled with joy is not in me.  If it ever was it is not now.  The instinct to need was once there yes, to switch back to it, or, to be excited by such attention, no! It's just the way I am now.  If anything is to be learned it has been being able to cope better with life, and help pass it on to others who have had similar experiences as I.

As the spotlight of attention is being pointed on me I have been light hearted and even joking in my responses because there is nothing wrong.  I keep it upbeat and positive even though my first reaction is annoyance and confusion.  I first mull over as to why they are concerned.  Then the more it happens I am kind of feeling invaded.  I am kind of worried that if this persists I am going to get snappy.  I am someone who needs a lot of space and I feel like people are forgetting that.

Ah! The universe! Is it trying to add another trend? Is this it's bizarre way of joking with me? When nothing is wrong with me everyone is to fret and dote upon me? But in times of crisis everyone is to disappear? I am fine with one trend, I don't think I need this new one.  I am just not keen on it. Thanks!


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

No Posts. But... Getting Lots Done - October 6, 2015

There may be little writing, or rather, a finished product of my written works.  And there may be a lack of online presence, however, much has been done that required my immediate attention and it feels good for it all to be complete.

For the last several years of my Mother's life one of her many unfulfilled goals was to clean up her house and sell it.  My siblings and I have now done that. 

I spent a whole week of what felt like physical therapy in cleaning out her house.  It was not only great exercise, but therapeutic in cleaning out a house (to be sold as a fixer upper while the bare bones of the house is excellent) that had many dark memories of abuses done against my Mother and the verbal and emotional abuses that us, her children, suffered.  I would sometimes stand a few feet from the giant garbage bin and throw things as hard as I could in, especially if it was glass or something I knew could definitely smash in there; the sound made me feel good each time.  My siblings found it to be the same. It was good for me on all levels: emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually.  It was like a cleanse from the inside out.

In each of our own lives amongst my family and friends it seems a deep cleansing is taking place.  Something in the air causing it maybe? Its like a spring cleaning for our bodies, as well as our environments, particularly where we live; everything from our possessions to those nasty files and paperwork all of us had lying around.  I know for me it feels like a great weight has been lifted. Wow!

Also, keeping the ties that bind has been of great importance.  I have fought for the closeness to my extended family where others have not for a very long time now (too long).  In some cases it was because certain members of my family were too busy dwelling on past hurts to try and heal the wounds over the years.  As many of us out there know who have had to deal with this kind of thing, situations like these just fester and worsen all the time; and that definitely was the case with my family let me tell you. Rather than working at forgiveness and strengthen the weakened bonds they often would prefer to stew in their anger.  It has slowly fixed itself, and I have worked hard to lead by example the importance of family and togetherness.  Now that it is better, I am going to hang onto this so and continue to work hard so that these disconnects stop occurring.  Life is too short.  (That could be a whole other essay onto itself, but I don't wish to at this time).

Though this road (particularly this past year) has had my loved ones and I suffering many hardships, there has been many moments, both small and big, that have made it so worth it.  They even seem to give me just enough rest, relaxation, and moments of pure joy that it has refreshed me to march on.

Something small, and may sound silly was one night we were all staying the night at my Grandmother's and I took the couch.  Grandma got me to blankets and tucked me in.  Yes, I am a grown woman and my Grandmother tucked me into bed.  I loved it.

There has been many more moments for my sisters and I to relax together and when we do it has been filled with laughing, crying, reminiscing, talking of our goals in life.  It feels amazing!

My Bestie and I hung out yesterday and went adventuring around places in the city we live in that we had never been to before.  Our day was filled with laughter, teasing each other, great food, refreshing beverages, picture taking and just feeling blessed to be alive. 


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.