Saturday, 23 May 2015

Returning To Me and Cleaning Up My Own Messes - May 23, 2015

It has been a long time.  A very long time. And as I posted my final blog on my, "Going Home Again," several days ago, I mention here the loss my family and I faced in the previous months...

My Mother got cancer for the third and final time and left us.  It was painful and a relief.  It's sad to say, but when you see someone you love so much in such pain and suffering for a year and a half you are grateful that they are not in pain anymore.  She also left a mess of things she should've taken care of and handled herself that I, and many loved ones are left to clean up.  I guess I should share that most of it is cleaned up now, save for one monstrous atrocity.

When you live a life such as my Mom's, whom I loved with all my heart and soul, they are so busy living in fear and wanting someone else to solve everything for them that they never see how their actions affect everyone around them; and in this case quite negatively. And in the case of my Mother's passing, she, as she often did, left everything for everyone else to deal with. 

There are so many, "IF ONLY SHE HAD DONE THIS," moments in all of this that there is nothing we can do now. We've got almost all of it handled but that one thing. Because of all that and particularly the one thing I can only say this to the world... and if you need help in doing it then get all the help available to you:

Don't leave things undone, and don't live your life sticking your head in the sand to hide from obstacles, trials, and tribulations that it leaves others being so heavily and badly affected that your legacy is everyone taking care of what you didn't.  That's not right, its unfair, and it is what my Mother and I always butted heads on... and it was that procrastination and denial and poor choices that just make things worse, in fact it is so bad it hurts the people you love.  I got angry for her fear and selfishness, she got angry for me being too brave and stubborn to back down from what was unjust and not right with the world; especially on a humanitarian level.  She didn't understand me, and I didn't understand her, but I never stopped loving her.  She on the other hand only loved me on certain conditions and depending on what was going on in her life.  Her love was dependent on... not sure actually but to be frank I knew when she did love me and when she didn't, I could just tell.

So how do you move on from this and how do you go back to the way things were? That's where her and I differ greatly and I think has helped me in all things I do in life, and it's a list of things, probably many things I have mentioned in previous entries but you know what, nothing wrong with repeating myself sometimes:

-God and prayer
-Bravery and determination
-Fighting for what's fair and right
-Being extremely self aware: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically and keeping balance in all those things.
-Working hard, and playing hard
-Doing everything I can to fix things and make it right and knowing I did everything. 
-Keeping family and friends close, and telling them how I feel especially how I love them and resolving any issues immediately, and to be forgiving.  However, if its a really bad situation that's not fixable I walk away from those people and protect myself from their toxic ways. Its just better for me that way
-Laugh, be spontaneous, and being adventurous as much as I can with the time I have in this life.

If you were to ask where Mom was anything like this, there is some, but to the negative extremes or ignorance:
-Using to much humour to band-aid what was wrong.
-Not enough relaxation and fun she overworked
-Instead of de-stressing, she'd make more stress and unfortunately made things very dramatic instead of taking moments to be calm, relax, and have more fun.
-She was very aware of her personal spheres and any imbalances but she wanted quick fixes and God to send her other ways to remedy whatever ailed her in life instead of listening to His voice and taking action and putting the work in.
-Her idea of taking breaks was sheer laziness... so bad she would get anyone to do anything for her though she could very well do all of it herself.  Even in her treatments the caring, amazing, stupendous doctors and nurses all told her that even, she had to do more for herself.  I am not exaggerating on this. Even before her cancers she was like this.  An example of this is she could be laying on a couch and the coffee table could be right in front of her as well as her glass of water on that table, she would shout at someone to come and pass it to her, even if you were in another room that includes the bathroom... that's a small example of how bad she could be with laziness.

I digress.

Because of the way I have lived for so long and I love my, "friggin boring," life as she sometimes referred to, my coping with the loss of my dear Mom and the mess and all other horrible things we have faced is what has in fact saved me in all this. I feel almost fully like me again, normal, my "friggin boring," normal.  I wonder if she gets that now?

As I have always said, I love my teeny tiny precious life, and I wouldn't change it any other way.  And there will never be a mess for anyone to clean up, in fact, I pray that while I live a life of such great love and fun with my loved ones while I am still here that when I do leave my legacy is that they never doubt my love and care for them, they cherish the memories we had together, and I can leave them things that will benefit them all.


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.

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