Tuesday, 20 October 2015

I Prefer To Be Off the Radars - October 20, 2015

I am used to living without really being on anyone's radar.  I will not hesitate to jump in and help out those I love of course, but I am just not used to anyone coming to save me, worrying about me, being overly concerned for me, or even coddling or doting upon me.  As a lonewolf I am used to taking care of myself, all by myself, even at my lowest of low points.  Actually, especially when I am feeling like I am at the bottom of a pit.  However, recently, I am realizing I may have to adjust to a revelation, which is: that I may not be able to get away with being unseen as much anymore.  I am uncertain as to why this shift has occurred, but I may have no choice to adapt to it... I guess.

I started noticing that people are paying attention to me more since I have been taking time off.  Jobless and resting has now come with addressing any pressing issues more readily than if I was working, or, even better, seeing friends and family more often.  As much as I love seeing everyone as I have been able to, or respond more promptly to their messages, emails and phone calls, it feels overwhelming.  This steady amount of contact is not something I am used to and am not adjusting to it as well as I could be.

Being on my own in this city for so long has been so easy and familiar and to suddenly have people closer (in proximity) and having such consistent contact with everybody these days (unlike before), well, it feels too much; particularly when they are all suddenly very concerned for me.  I have been taking care of myself (even when I was young I started to learn how to care as best as I could for my emotional, mental and spiritual well-being due to my super highly reflective awareness of myself) for so long without much notice to anyone, so all recent attention feels wrong, and I am being attentive to how I am reacting to it to ensure I am not mean or snappy to anyone.  Luckily I haven't been rude to anybody (so far), but my first thoughts when I feel people are concerned about me, is this: I am fine. What's the deal here? Leave me alone, please! I feel more defensive if it seems to be more than one person doing it.  At least I know where this initial defensiveness stems from, and it is odd, even to me, because of how I became this way.  I am unsure if I can explain it properly, but I shall try.

There is this trend in my life that God, the fates, the universe (whomever or whatever you believe to be in charge, or maybe it's nothing or no one) created long ago.  I know the trend started before my teens, however I no longer can remember the exact age or situation where it originated from.  I don't care when it started anymore, it just feels like it has always been this way.  The rend is this:

In my life, when I am extremely sad, angry, or in a crisis, I have had 1). friends who have no idea what to do, or, 2). no one is there for me.  The second one I will explain in further detail, later.  The first one I can easily explain now.

Fro some friends they find it too hard to even sit down and listen.  I could not only tell that it was uncomfortable or that it was too much for them just by watching them.  Some have admitted it as well.  They were honest.  Why are they like this though?  For them, I am the loved one who rarely falls apart and if I do it's too hard for them to help me, or deal with my emotions that they rarely see in me.  It's like they suddenly have no clue as to how to help and prefer I go away until I am better.  And, at least, they were honest as to why it bother them.  These are friends I made in my early years who are all quite sensitive.  You not always see it in them right away, especially at a first meeting but you would when you got to know them and time has passed.  And they are like this even now, as we got older.  The friends I have made in recent years are more open to sitting and listening no matter what is going on with me, but< I have chosen to lean on them any further than that; no hugs, no coddling, no full on meltdown in front of them and asking someone to care for me, even for a little while... I don't look for that anymore.  I do seem to lean on my Bestie pretty good, but I do not try to in the extent that I would have with other friends in earlier friends.  When you seek that and no one is there for you in that way, (don't worry I am not the kind who would not offer that to others, quite the contrary I am told it helps a lot and apparently I am very good at cuddling and comforting... I am not a cold monster I promise) that yearning goes away overtime.

When I used to want/seek comfort by being held in someone's arms while I cried, screamed and talked about what was happening but couldn't find it I didn't get mad at anyone for it.  Sure I was in pain but I can't blame people for being nowhere to be found.  If there is to be blame I blame the universe instead, especially if anyone thinks this change in me is not good I would just point out into the great wide yonder.  I am good, it's no one's fault. The upside for me is I learned to pick myself up over and over, while finding what works best at helping me out.  The pattern of no one being available to be there for me luckily was my way to find out how to help myself.  I discovered many ways, but the three I have used most are:

Screaming and crying in pillows
Big, long, heavy workouts (weights and kickboxing are good), and

Now here is the second part, explaining what I mean by that no one responds when I have reach out for help when I feel like I am rock bottom.  I will give you one example, and it was the last time I reach out to people when I felt I was stuck at the bottom of a deep dark pit.  When I say no one responds, no one responds! None! At my worse times I used to try and get someone, anyone I loved, to hear me.  There was no answer to the phone calls, the door knocks, the emails, the text messages.  If anyone out there is thinking that that is impossible in thirty-plus years of someone's life, apparently it is not.  I almost laugh in writing that by the way, sorry but I do.  And that is why I am not mad.

Awhile back I had a really rough week, and already the supports that were once there at work for all us workers were no longer as they once were, and therefore I did not feel comfortable turning to them, and hadn't after that.  I was burnt out, sad, angry, and needed someone to listen to me vent, and maybe give me a huge hug, and maybe let me cry.  If no hugs then at least let me talk.  It had been a LONG time since I felt so down and out, and it felt like I was about to go insane as one negative thought after another kept piling in my head and making me feel worse with each passing moment.  So, I took the chance to reach out... and boy did I ever! I called my parents, my sisters, and my grandparents and left them each a voicemail asking them to call me when they got the message.  Then, I messaged/texted friends' cell phones, even social media sites, asking them if I could see them, or talk to them.  I even door knocked when my Bestie didn't answer my messages.  There was no response.  Nothing! I knew when I did this that I already knew better than to be seeking everyone out like that, but I did anyway.  In earlier years I did not have cell phone or internet to give me the easier access, and even now, with all those things the trend remains... I don't get an answer.  That's how the universe works it with me on that aspect of my life.

In case anyone is wondering if any answer comes later, yes, it does.  The responses come late at night when I have fallen asleep or the next day.  The responses are actually all quite similar:
They went to bed early or were napping
They were super busy
They missed the messages and voicemails.

It's all good.  I know how to fix myself and what I need to do and I am doing great. However, I face another trend....

These days it feels like people are now hovering over me and worrying when everything with me is fine.  Two friends came out of the blue to see me, and I hadn't seen them in a long time, not since Mom's death which is almost a year ago already, and they both said the same thing when I saw each of them: "If Mohammed won't come to the mountain then the mountain comes to you my dear." And then they wonder how I am and have been worried despite we are all on the same social media sites and they should already know, and I know they know because they have written to me there. I let them know I was good, especially as of late I am quite well.  But the worry hasn't stopped with them.  Now, speaking of social media there are some worries that arise from status updates, wherein if I post too late at night or too early in the morning I have been getting asked if I stayed up all night and if I am okay.  I find that one interesting.  I have been asked if I am feeling well, and that one confuses me a bit considering everyone else these days is sick (some are really unwell with some sort of cold) but not me.  I am totally healthy.  Thumbs up over here!

I guess I could chalk it up to that it is probably because Mom passed away last year, however, like I said earlier, it is already almost a year, and things are much better at the moment.  Everyone I love is much better these days besides colds or flus happening.  But the focus has seemed to be on me more than others, and it makes me feel like I am being watched.

Maybe if I was younger again and this was happening I would perhaps relish (big IF though) in this spotlight of concern and even throw myself into everyone's arms and soak it up and allow myself to be coddled and be grateful for being so noticed.  But the instinct to be that overly grateful or filled with joy is not in me.  If it ever was it is not now.  The instinct to need was once there yes, to switch back to it, or, to be excited by such attention, no! It's just the way I am now.  If anything is to be learned it has been being able to cope better with life, and help pass it on to others who have had similar experiences as I.

As the spotlight of attention is being pointed on me I have been light hearted and even joking in my responses because there is nothing wrong.  I keep it upbeat and positive even though my first reaction is annoyance and confusion.  I first mull over as to why they are concerned.  Then the more it happens I am kind of feeling invaded.  I am kind of worried that if this persists I am going to get snappy.  I am someone who needs a lot of space and I feel like people are forgetting that.

Ah! The universe! Is it trying to add another trend? Is this it's bizarre way of joking with me? When nothing is wrong with me everyone is to fret and dote upon me? But in times of crisis everyone is to disappear? I am fine with one trend, I don't think I need this new one.  I am just not keen on it. Thanks!


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made  To Her Thirties.

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