Oh Lord help me I am going home!
In giving up my career and leaving the city for a time (I am fortunate enough that I can keep my apartment and go home) I am spending time with family in very close quarters while reassessing where I want my life to go from here. My family, and me, together again, for who knows how long... how is this going to go?
I thought after my last day, and last weekend in the city and at work that I would definitely start feeling the anxiety or even be terrified of so much change. Alas I don't.. or it just hasn't totally sunk in yet! Huh.
I get bursts of excitement mixed with a wave of questions popping up in my head from time to time, but other than that it has been more of a ride of relaxation along with the realization of how right this path is despite having no clue as to what I am going to do career-wise and how soon I will be back to the city.
My family and I are crazy in case you didn't know, and the mix of me being away from my much larger playground to a much more rural area with my loving, coddling, cuddly and nutty family may not be the best mix.
However, I made this decision. And as one of my older, and I'd like to think (or hope) wiser cousins put it we need more time together as a family during good periods of our lives rather than when there is a death or near death events occurring in our lives. I couldn't agree more.
My family will get their wish that we all may regret: me home for a long while... how much of one another can we handle before one or all of us may decide to kill one another? We shall see.
As a result of this huge and almost unusual turn of events in my life, (one I have chosen), I am chronicling to keep my sanity and hopefully give you all a good laugh. Perhaps you can relate to my family and our insanity too!
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
Showing posts with label Latest Events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Latest Events. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 July 2014
It's Important To Tell Others How You Feel About Them - July 23, 2014
Wednesday, I had realized with each day passing to the end of my time at my job, and soon leaving the city for a time to be with my family, I wanted to make sure that the families I had worked with for so long and had such a strong, positive rapport with in my career knew I was never going to forget them; nor the major impact each of them had on me in my time with them. Saying goodbye was going to be hard enough, but not ending it the way I wanted to would've been harder.
I created tiny gifts for each other them and wrote down my fondest memories of each of them and how I would remember them forever. I wanted them to know the way they changed me and made my life so meaningful.
I also bought things that I knew meant something between myself and the staff I was closest to and the bosses.
Even if I was leaving because of the negative haze that hung in the air that they can't seem to push out, I didn't want to leave things on a dark note. That's just not me, and I don't want to be like that... ever. To live a life and in a world that is like that is so wrong to me, and I might as well kill myself if that's the type of atmosphere I could never escape from and be exposed to for the rest of my life. That's why I was leaving, because I knew myself enough that to work in such an environment would eventually destroy me from the inside out.
I am glad I laboured and loved every minute I spent in my creations. I wanted, no, needed to do that. In the end it was not only something I needed, it turned out the people I was giving it to needed it just as much.
Life is not long enough to fill it with grudges, resentments, regrets, and anger more than love, care, and kindness; and it is definitely not in my nature to dwell on darkness. In doing so, I have made better relationships and connections a life filled with joy and with very little regret.
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
I created tiny gifts for each other them and wrote down my fondest memories of each of them and how I would remember them forever. I wanted them to know the way they changed me and made my life so meaningful.
I also bought things that I knew meant something between myself and the staff I was closest to and the bosses.
Even if I was leaving because of the negative haze that hung in the air that they can't seem to push out, I didn't want to leave things on a dark note. That's just not me, and I don't want to be like that... ever. To live a life and in a world that is like that is so wrong to me, and I might as well kill myself if that's the type of atmosphere I could never escape from and be exposed to for the rest of my life. That's why I was leaving, because I knew myself enough that to work in such an environment would eventually destroy me from the inside out.
I am glad I laboured and loved every minute I spent in my creations. I wanted, no, needed to do that. In the end it was not only something I needed, it turned out the people I was giving it to needed it just as much.
Life is not long enough to fill it with grudges, resentments, regrets, and anger more than love, care, and kindness; and it is definitely not in my nature to dwell on darkness. In doing so, I have made better relationships and connections a life filled with joy and with very little regret.
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Where There Is Smoke, There Is Fire - July 16, 2014
The chain of events that lead to this moment most likely goes back to January of this year. And as the city I reside in is smothered in a gray haze and smells of strongly of horrible smoke due to massive fires destroying lands far away, I realized that it is a metaphor for how the Big Guy of the Universe has warned me of the dangers around me, in my own life. If I smell smoke, see smoke, there is fire! The signs were there. My life was too close to the fire, but not one that could hurt my body, it was a fire that would kill me; mind, heart, and spirit.
My employer whom I looked up to and adored turned into someone I barely recognized in what could be considered a very short time; six months. Six months ago is when they lit the fire of darkness. This employer is barely happy anymore:
-complaining all the time to anyone who listens to them, over anything that is bothering them.
-gossiping... and yet there is a policy where that is not allowed in the workplace I am at that they, the employer, created.
-argues with their own family members right in front of staff and you can even overhear it frequently though they set a bar on professionalism in the workplace and have seemed to snuff out their own torch on upholding that.
-more frequently tells others of how they should be living their lives, and it seems quite closely related to the way they like to live their own life.
-behave like a martyr, and that the world is against them.
Furthermore, there are some staff members who are on equal par with them on the level of this behavior; and one in particular who we will call, “Oh my goooood,” girl who was the worst (imagine that with a snotty and slightly whining tone)….I swear that’s the only thing she knows how to say. They all sat together, and began to fan the flames of darkness, and it brewed the smoke of negativity.
When the employer and some staff began to behave this way, I thought it perhaps was a passing thing; I sympathized and chalked it up to stress and listened to their woes, and even recommended on ways to help relieve tension and what we could do to solve any issues that arose. Instead of grouping together and getting proactive to fix things, all it became was complaining… then more complaining… the tones of their voices and the words they said were hard to hear as all it became sounds of whining, anger, and disdain. Instead of a group of people adding water to the fire, and one team adding dirt, and another group raking to make mud to smother the flames... they added more paper... more wood... "Oh my goooood," girl even added kerosene.
To hear it every day for weeks while seeing routines, morale and work affected in a negative way, (well, I speak for myself I should say I shouldn’t presume to know how others felt or what they perceived as happening) it felt like an assault on my ears and it felt hard to breathe because the negative atmosphere was like thick smoke. Though I kept to myself and tried to stay away from it. The smoke was now everywhere, the fire would soon try and get me too. I could feel them wanting me to become as they were, and because I wasn’t I felt ostracized. I wanted no part of it. I have seen through observations of others in my lifetime of how I don’t want to behave, or the type of person I don’t want to become; there was never a doubt that I would definitely not go down the path they were on. Furthermore, I was not going to continue to go to work for just benefits from the health package, vacation times and pay cheques. It was not a happy place! I felt no joy! I was carrying the feeling home with me and it affected my personal sphere in a number of ways. When I realized that several weeks later I was developing signs of being burned out, feeling sad, even a little depressed which is a pretty foreign (but not totally unrecognizable) symptom to me … It was time to move on. And! Spend time with my loved ones who have been through so much in the past two years. It was time to take a nice long break and reassess my life... and save my soul.
I initially felt the shock of realizing I had to leave and wondered all those questions:
-Am I doing the right thing?
-What about the people I serve in my career? How can I leave them?
-What if I don’t find another job?
-What if this is all a mistake?
-What if I end up penniless and homeless?
-Can I really visit my old rural homes with my family for a long period of time and keep my apartment in the city while I find myself again?
In a very quick period of time, I know I have made the right decision! And with every day passing getting closer to the last day, the reasons and reality of just how right it is for me is clearer; even right for my loved ones (my family and friends greatly benefit from this change). I don't want to die in a fire that is now roaring. The signs that it is never going to go away is due to the smoke that is now black; covering the sky so no cloud is seen but for a red-coloured sun while the smell is burning the nostrils. I am safe from the fire, and am at the lake wading in the water, getting ready to swim across in due time. Especially when I see that, "Oh my gooooood," girl that left the work I am at is returning; that my employer continues to yell and complain; that staff are still sitting around the fire encouraging it to grow.... though now it is outside the circle of the pit...now and then somebody notices, stomps at it, and then ignores again.
They have ignored the warning signs for too long, and fire, is never as easy to control or contain as humans like to think. Its fire after all. It burns, all it wants, is to burn!
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
My employer whom I looked up to and adored turned into someone I barely recognized in what could be considered a very short time; six months. Six months ago is when they lit the fire of darkness. This employer is barely happy anymore:
-complaining all the time to anyone who listens to them, over anything that is bothering them.
-gossiping... and yet there is a policy where that is not allowed in the workplace I am at that they, the employer, created.
-argues with their own family members right in front of staff and you can even overhear it frequently though they set a bar on professionalism in the workplace and have seemed to snuff out their own torch on upholding that.
-more frequently tells others of how they should be living their lives, and it seems quite closely related to the way they like to live their own life.
-behave like a martyr, and that the world is against them.
Furthermore, there are some staff members who are on equal par with them on the level of this behavior; and one in particular who we will call, “Oh my goooood,” girl who was the worst (imagine that with a snotty and slightly whining tone)….I swear that’s the only thing she knows how to say. They all sat together, and began to fan the flames of darkness, and it brewed the smoke of negativity.
When the employer and some staff began to behave this way, I thought it perhaps was a passing thing; I sympathized and chalked it up to stress and listened to their woes, and even recommended on ways to help relieve tension and what we could do to solve any issues that arose. Instead of grouping together and getting proactive to fix things, all it became was complaining… then more complaining… the tones of their voices and the words they said were hard to hear as all it became sounds of whining, anger, and disdain. Instead of a group of people adding water to the fire, and one team adding dirt, and another group raking to make mud to smother the flames... they added more paper... more wood... "Oh my goooood," girl even added kerosene.
To hear it every day for weeks while seeing routines, morale and work affected in a negative way, (well, I speak for myself I should say I shouldn’t presume to know how others felt or what they perceived as happening) it felt like an assault on my ears and it felt hard to breathe because the negative atmosphere was like thick smoke. Though I kept to myself and tried to stay away from it. The smoke was now everywhere, the fire would soon try and get me too. I could feel them wanting me to become as they were, and because I wasn’t I felt ostracized. I wanted no part of it. I have seen through observations of others in my lifetime of how I don’t want to behave, or the type of person I don’t want to become; there was never a doubt that I would definitely not go down the path they were on. Furthermore, I was not going to continue to go to work for just benefits from the health package, vacation times and pay cheques. It was not a happy place! I felt no joy! I was carrying the feeling home with me and it affected my personal sphere in a number of ways. When I realized that several weeks later I was developing signs of being burned out, feeling sad, even a little depressed which is a pretty foreign (but not totally unrecognizable) symptom to me … It was time to move on. And! Spend time with my loved ones who have been through so much in the past two years. It was time to take a nice long break and reassess my life... and save my soul.
I initially felt the shock of realizing I had to leave and wondered all those questions:
-Am I doing the right thing?
-What about the people I serve in my career? How can I leave them?
-What if I don’t find another job?
-What if this is all a mistake?
-What if I end up penniless and homeless?
-Can I really visit my old rural homes with my family for a long period of time and keep my apartment in the city while I find myself again?
In a very quick period of time, I know I have made the right decision! And with every day passing getting closer to the last day, the reasons and reality of just how right it is for me is clearer; even right for my loved ones (my family and friends greatly benefit from this change). I don't want to die in a fire that is now roaring. The signs that it is never going to go away is due to the smoke that is now black; covering the sky so no cloud is seen but for a red-coloured sun while the smell is burning the nostrils. I am safe from the fire, and am at the lake wading in the water, getting ready to swim across in due time. Especially when I see that, "Oh my gooooood," girl that left the work I am at is returning; that my employer continues to yell and complain; that staff are still sitting around the fire encouraging it to grow.... though now it is outside the circle of the pit...now and then somebody notices, stomps at it, and then ignores again.
They have ignored the warning signs for too long, and fire, is never as easy to control or contain as humans like to think. Its fire after all. It burns, all it wants, is to burn!
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
What's Happening Lately - July 7, 2014
Here is a summary of what has been happening since I turned thirty, and a little bit more of a background on myself to start things off.
I grew up in rural areas of Canada; mainly on our family's farm and in small towns.
I am the oldest of three girls, with a large age gap between my sisters and I. We share the same parents who were told very early on in their married lives that due to our Mom's health she would be unable to have children. So, I was a surprise, my first sister was a surprise as well, and our youngest sister was the only one our parents planned for and succeeded in conceiving the first try. Which to this very day humours the youngest of our trio because she refers to us as follows:
Me: Big surprise!!!
Middle child: Woah! Lucky again!!!
Her: What were they thinking? You planned me?
I take it as a huge sign from the Big Guy in the universe that He had other plans for our parents, despite that the doctors could show a medical history that could prove to my Mom and Dad that their three girls shouldn't even exist! Alas, we do!
As of present, I am single, and have been for two and a half years and counting.
I have only dated, been in a relationship, and expressed my love in all ways possible to ONE person, ever. During the best of times in our relationship it was amazing; I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Then when things were at the opposite end, it was just too sad and hurtful. I should clarify that is was not so bad that it was absolutely toxic, nor was there ever a need for authorities to be involved or anything like that. But there were things that arose that made it difficult for us to be together anymore. I had always thought if it ended it wouldn't be me who would want it to end. But it was.
Furthermore I was surprised at how quickly I was over him. I never thought I would be that type of person whose love would dissipate so fast after a breakup, especially after being together for a long time. In fact, I used to look down upon others who were able to get over someone they had been with so quickly. I think I understand a little more clearly now as to why that is the case for some of us. However, I can only share from my point of view, due to my own experience.
I gave it my all. I did everything I felt I could possibly do to fix the bad that would rear its ugly head throughout the relationship. It was the only reason, in the end, I was able to walk away from the one I used to love with all my being, and quickly let go of that love.
I think it has only been recently that I am actually feeling any sort of desire to be open to the possibility of being with someone again. I think it has been due to a mix of: the unknown of the dating realm; the many crisis' my loved ones and I have faced in the past few years; and just enjoying life in the good times as much as I can (living in the moment). Now much of this will be rapidly changing due to a couple of major life-changing decisions I have made recently.
One is that in less than a month I will be leaving a job that I have been dedicated to for the past several years. I decided I needed to leave due to being burnt out, and to escape a working atmosphere that has become very foreign to me, and quite negative. It now seems to be a place that is in a perpetual state of crisis and drama. Second, is taking a lengthier vacation than I normally would, to spend time with my family, AND, reassess my life and where I go from here.
This can be summed up in three words since I made this decision:
Terrifying
Exciting
Relaxing
I typically do not do well without work, and spending long periods of time with family. Nor do I do well far from the life I have carved out for myself in the city. This all can be difficult for me.
However, I have felt my instincts and my spirit telling me for some time now that this is what I need to do. Otherwise the state of the workplace on top of personal crisis' with my loved ones is going to chip at my energetic, optimistic, happy-go-lucky self until I am so dark and cynical that I will be called an Ice Queen instead. This could lead to no one wanting to be around me; not even my loved ones.
Plus, my family and friends have been through so much. I can see myself getting into a situation where I have become so hopped up on my own issues that I may lose touch on what is happening with those I love.
Since making the decision I have felt the great weight lift; and my heart, mind, and soul all sync up and relax into a perfect balance. Even when I have moments of questioning, "What have I done?" I hear that still, quiet, strong voice in my head saying, "whatever will be will be." Either I am really crazy, or this was really meant to happen. Only time will tell.
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
I grew up in rural areas of Canada; mainly on our family's farm and in small towns.
I am the oldest of three girls, with a large age gap between my sisters and I. We share the same parents who were told very early on in their married lives that due to our Mom's health she would be unable to have children. So, I was a surprise, my first sister was a surprise as well, and our youngest sister was the only one our parents planned for and succeeded in conceiving the first try. Which to this very day humours the youngest of our trio because she refers to us as follows:
Me: Big surprise!!!
Middle child: Woah! Lucky again!!!
Her: What were they thinking? You planned me?
I take it as a huge sign from the Big Guy in the universe that He had other plans for our parents, despite that the doctors could show a medical history that could prove to my Mom and Dad that their three girls shouldn't even exist! Alas, we do!
As of present, I am single, and have been for two and a half years and counting.
I have only dated, been in a relationship, and expressed my love in all ways possible to ONE person, ever. During the best of times in our relationship it was amazing; I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Then when things were at the opposite end, it was just too sad and hurtful. I should clarify that is was not so bad that it was absolutely toxic, nor was there ever a need for authorities to be involved or anything like that. But there were things that arose that made it difficult for us to be together anymore. I had always thought if it ended it wouldn't be me who would want it to end. But it was.
Furthermore I was surprised at how quickly I was over him. I never thought I would be that type of person whose love would dissipate so fast after a breakup, especially after being together for a long time. In fact, I used to look down upon others who were able to get over someone they had been with so quickly. I think I understand a little more clearly now as to why that is the case for some of us. However, I can only share from my point of view, due to my own experience.
I gave it my all. I did everything I felt I could possibly do to fix the bad that would rear its ugly head throughout the relationship. It was the only reason, in the end, I was able to walk away from the one I used to love with all my being, and quickly let go of that love.
I think it has only been recently that I am actually feeling any sort of desire to be open to the possibility of being with someone again. I think it has been due to a mix of: the unknown of the dating realm; the many crisis' my loved ones and I have faced in the past few years; and just enjoying life in the good times as much as I can (living in the moment). Now much of this will be rapidly changing due to a couple of major life-changing decisions I have made recently.
One is that in less than a month I will be leaving a job that I have been dedicated to for the past several years. I decided I needed to leave due to being burnt out, and to escape a working atmosphere that has become very foreign to me, and quite negative. It now seems to be a place that is in a perpetual state of crisis and drama. Second, is taking a lengthier vacation than I normally would, to spend time with my family, AND, reassess my life and where I go from here.
This can be summed up in three words since I made this decision:
Terrifying
Exciting
Relaxing
I typically do not do well without work, and spending long periods of time with family. Nor do I do well far from the life I have carved out for myself in the city. This all can be difficult for me.
However, I have felt my instincts and my spirit telling me for some time now that this is what I need to do. Otherwise the state of the workplace on top of personal crisis' with my loved ones is going to chip at my energetic, optimistic, happy-go-lucky self until I am so dark and cynical that I will be called an Ice Queen instead. This could lead to no one wanting to be around me; not even my loved ones.
Plus, my family and friends have been through so much. I can see myself getting into a situation where I have become so hopped up on my own issues that I may lose touch on what is happening with those I love.
Since making the decision I have felt the great weight lift; and my heart, mind, and soul all sync up and relax into a perfect balance. Even when I have moments of questioning, "What have I done?" I hear that still, quiet, strong voice in my head saying, "whatever will be will be." Either I am really crazy, or this was really meant to happen. Only time will tell.
~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.
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