When life gets busy, really fast, AND, when people are surrounding you (a lonewolf) twenty-four-seven, it seems there is never enough time to write. I want to change that.
I was going through some old diaries, journals, short stories and poems, and I came across many articles I had created but had not looked at for a long time.
I was fascinated to read one paper in particular that made realize how far I had come. A woman who was afraid of what was happening in life and where she was going. I was in fear of the unknown, I was in fear of what came next.
I ask the same questions, but with a different mindset, a different mood. Thus I realized that I am older, wiser, and a lot less fearful, and in a very short period of time.
Here is what I wrote, and I wanted to share in case someone else out there relates, and could perhaps find comfort in knowing they are not alone; other people who have felt the same way as I have:
(Written about four years ago shortly before I broke up with my partner of over six years)
What do you do, when you have no clue of what to do? Especially when you are someone who is always sure of what to do..
You know yourself so well, and then, some things come along that contradict you, yourself, your entire being... What happens next?
You may find yourself reaching for God, searching for signs, looking, seeking, wanting answers.. and you find the answers are not there, or you just can't see them yet. And you worry you missed them, or worse, that they are already there but you are looking at something else instead that you think could be the answer for you. And what if you actually cannot tell what is staring right in front of your face because it's not the answer you think it should be?
What if the answer you get is something you end up thinking it's wrong? You think it is wrong because it is the total opposite of who you are; your morals, what you believe is right and wrong... the answer just doesn't match. It feels like such a contradiction, but yet it feels so entirely right... perfect, even.
...Then... what do you do?
What, am I, supposed to do?
Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made To Her Thirties.