When I first blink as I awaken, I close my eyes tight in hopes I don’t have to get up right away. I always have this feeling of depression, annoyance, and sadness, as if I want my life to end and for the world to go away; I have even thought of poking out my eyeballs and hitting my head over with a mallet. If others are near me and try to talk to me I try to stay silent or I sometimes have been very grumpy, because I just want to be left alone.
I initially hope that I can return to sleep and have a happy and very unrealistic dream. I don’t know why I think this when I first come out of my slumber nor do I comprehend why I feel such angst, I have accepted that I just do and remind myself that in a few hours I will feel much better.
In the meantime the point from wake up until I leave my front door to go somewhere feels hard and painful; not that it is literally painful, but it seems like it for some reason. To get myself up and ready, I have to tell myself that I have to get up, and go through the reasons why I need to get up; whether it is a work day or a weekend or during vacation, it doesn’t matter I still have to tell myself why. Then I tell myself there is a set time now, and in that set time I have to get up. I usually tell myself that in ten seconds I am going to get up. I count, and then I get up. I take my time, I go slow, and prepare myself. This is often why I get up so early in the day, because I need to take my time. After about two hours I am smiling, and ready to enjoy my day. I have my little rituals of washing up, picking clothes, doing makeup and hair, preparing myself a nice cup of tea. Whether I have breakfast right then or a bit later doesn’t matter, but in the meantime whether I am heading to work or going to do errands (or just going wherever my plans take me) there is always a walk involved; walking relaxes me, it helps me to wake up more, and get in a more positive frame of mind. That is, walking and music help because before I leave home there are usually the headphones on too.
I know for certain that I can’t have anyone around me for the first couple of hours because I don’t feel like I want to talk, and listening to headphones is helpful to use as sign to others that I am not ready for conversation. Having upbeat music fill my ears and go up into my head for the first part of my morning seems to get me in a more positive state of mind and I am able to start feeling happier. I even notice my smile starts to show up as well.
No matter how old I get, this feeling has never gone away. I think I was first aware of it when I was about seven years old?!
Anyone else out there not a morning person either?~Ange.
Copyright 2014 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties.